Self-Blame and the Scent of Onions.

Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world…
Philippians 2:14-15

I'm the son of the surviving police officer from the Onion Field incident. My father lived out his life under a shadow of self-blame. Although he didn't deserve the condemnation he received, he received it, and he bore the weight of the responsibility for someone else's death, and internalized a debt to the universe that he could never repay.

I grew up watching him live, and learned this spirit of self-blame. Everything was alright for me as long as I maintained a standard of perfection; never letting anyone down, never disappointing. 
More than a facade of perfection, I drove myself by this standard. In my 20's, striving for excellence rather than perfection was a freeing step for me, I thought, but the change was really only semantic. I was actually striving for more excellence than everyone else - and there's not an observable difference between that and striving for perfection. So. Never good enough. Never strong enough, or smart enough, or impressive enough. Never worked hard enough. Never completed a project that I could look back on with satisfaction, seeing all the benefits. I could only look back and list all the things to change to improve it for "next time." 

Going forward, wouldn't hurt to do both. I can design projects and refine projects, and advance projects … and celebrate projects. I will design, I will refine, I will advance, but I will end each chapter with some celebration of the benefits of my labors.

This day, just by perceiving this spirit of self-blame, I disarm it. I will not blame myself for circumstances out of my control. I will not count imperfections against myself. 
I will add increase wherever I go. I will add improvement to every undertaking to which I devote myself. I will step onto the battlefield as more than a conqueror, as a game changer because I am at rest, with nothing to prove, nothing to gain, only to give. I walk in newness of life.

Good morning, nice to be here. Let me introduce myself. I am Blameless.