Punisher No More.

As a kid, I collected some of the darker comics - I had some Spider-man and some of the frivolous ones like Richie Rich and Archie, but I got older and was drawn to the darker anti-heroes before the anti-hero became mainstream; stone-cold angels of death and judgement. My collection was filled with Conan the Barbarian, Wolverine, the Punisher. All with some commonalities: misfit he-man-woman-haters who wanted to be left to themselves to do what they were driven to do; wander, making their lone-wolf way in the world, eluding a dark past, with no connection to others, keeping secretive and solitary, and, when cornered, showing their dark sides as the goodbad guys messing up the worsebad guys. 

Conan always fell into larger schemes as the machinations of the evil ambitious sought to make use of him, and always had to end up killing some slaver or witch, taking down some repressive city-state warlord, rescuing some woman who would inevitably leave him behind, or be left behind as he continued his wandering at the story's end. He never really wanted to help out, philanthropy was ever thrust at him on a spear tip.

Wolverine - and don't get me wrong here, not the sanitized Hugh Jackman Wolverine, I'm talking about the streetclothes-Logan-in-Madripoor ogre who was physically repugnant, full of disillusionment and hatred - was always siding with and fighting for the right but only after the wrong pushed into his isolation; never knowing who he was or who he should be or should become, and never able to meld into a wider community, or to find peace with any woman or friend. I remember being bothered that Logan smoked. But I wasn't bothered that he was full of disillusionment and despair. His doom felt like home. 

And the Punisher. He became my favorite. Frank Castle, his family taken from him, a burning hatred for all things hateful. Always looking for trouble to trouble. Daredevil, his foil, ever the attorney, thought that if Punisher knew what America stood for, he'd respect due process. But the appeal with the Punisher was that in the heart of the law-abiding and law-loving, there is the desire to short-circuit the system because it fails to deliver justice; to be the one to dispense justice. There are bad people out there, and someone has to be the antidote for evil. Someone to fight darkness with darkness; judge, jury, executioner. A never-ending crusade of killing the killers sounded like righteousness to me.

These were my superheroes. All with retribution as their primary superpower. None of these characters appeal to me anymore. I'm plenty tired of harboring a darkness in my heart. I'm not a minister of vengeance. I'm a minister of reconciliation. Love doesn't seek isolation, or step aside as evil makes its way in the world. Love overcomes evil, but with good.
There's still a natural man inside of me, wired with an innate desire to find a fight for justice - and I do. I do fight for justice - against principalities now, not targeting flesh and blood enemies. No man is my enemy. No man is safe from an undeserved blessing. Mercy has triumphed over judgement.
I will act as Punisher, but not on flesh and blood - instead, I look to punish the principalities and powers. Claws pulling the puppet strings in the spiritual shadows behind the physical stage. 

I've been hearing from various prophetic sources that I'm a Wolverine. Better to be him than the Punisher, in all events. Besides wearing the chops, I don't fully get the connection though. Maybe, like Logan after a mind-wipe, we both walk not really understanding our identities; like him, my past, and my possibility and promise and potential have all been taken from me, unremembered, unrecognizable and unrecoverable. I don't know what else might be my connection to him. The one who will do the dirty job? The one who will go in and slay the ugliest with his own ugliness? The one who is unkillable but wants to die inside? The one walking joylessly wondering if there is a place of peace somewhere, but won't ever find it because wherever you go, there you are, and his discontent disrupts any peaceable place he enters?
I hope not. These things were true until very recently, but my hope is, not true for long. Not true in the tomorrow.

What do I know? Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, saith the Lord. Choosing who deserves destruction isn't my portion. I can destroy, but how does that make me Godly? God is the one who destroys evil ... but with good. Only God would bless people from darkness into light, God is the One Who would curse not. Killing and destroying is the work of the dark side. Destroying someone who is a destroyer - sounds like a good deed could be done in that, but only to the natural mind - far better to turn a destroyer into a builder, and add another to the blessing of the kingdom of light and right.
Do I make my point? When it's kill or be killed, be killed. "You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also." Jesus said it. If this sounds like weakness to you, then you have no understanding of the power of reconciliation.

I know that chivalry isn't dead. Strength is to be spent into creation rather than destruction. This sounds like a repetition of the point above, but with an extension beyond the realm of mercy into self-sacrifice. The modern-day knight not only seeks to overcome evil with good, but surrenders his rights to his own itinerary, his self-sufficiency; and, instead, sacrifices self and strength for the needful and weak. He cannot go his own way, and pick his fights only when his own way is obstructed. Confronted by injustice, he must go out of his own way to step between the oppressed and their oppressor. Who will fling himself into a sea of blows to absorb some, as a sorrow-sponge in hope of bringing calm to the waters? 

I know that the day of the loner is done. I am a married man. I am a father, with children of my own, and I am a father with adoptive spiritual charges for whom I care. My place in the world is found in community and inter-relationships. Any wistfulness for a lone-wolf life of wandering and answering to no one has been loved out of me by a caring God and a committed community. Pretending that you're too hard for fellowship is a veneer hiding a deficiency.

I know that I don't wander the world seeking to find myself, or exorcise some demons within. There is nothing to discover on the solitary road, there is no healing to be found in some self-imposed silence. The darkness within was driven out when the Light of the World took up residence inside, and now I am the light of the world. I remind myself: Stop looking for darknesses inside, or anticipating them. Move forward. Squint with the light of the truth in your eyes.

I know that all things are made new. I know enough to stop trading blows with darkness, or seeking to - there is no real fight between light and darkness. I know to share the sufferings of Christ, and like Him, intercede even if it costs all. I know to look around myself, and find my worth via investment into those with whom I am connected. I know that I was made whole for a purpose; I know to look outside my own skin and bring the reconciliation I carry. 
I know that I am a Punisher no more. There is no condemnation now for those who are in Christ Jesus; there can be no condemnation now from me, now that I am in Christ Jesus.