wondering if there is a place for you in this world,
knowing that you were made for something
but uncertain if that something is a place for you to land
or a role for you to wear
or if it existed in your past and you walked past it
intent on another lesser thing
and you've missed it.
Me, I wouldn't blame You God
if you let it pass me by
as I moved by it.
Not Your fault.
I have chosen wrong at times
and thought that it wouldn't kill me
or wanted to die
and didn't care
if everything fell to ruin.
So.
No one's watching.
Everyone's in the same space
caring about their own lack
and wanting the lottery to fall into their account.
But the cavalry's not coming.
And God is the one watching
but only watching to see if you'll be different
and become who you are
to stand out from this forest of faded shadowy silhouettes
in color
and in identity.
And I ask
What color?
Who?
In this rowboat named Identity
Where I see only where I've been
and row until I tire
and think
Maybe if I set the oars down I'll feel a current.
But mostly I feel tired
and alone
and sad, again.
Why did You make me?
Why am I here?
I need a reason.
I want a thing to do that doesn't almost pay the bills
and doesn't make me say oh damn it it's Friday night and only two days until Monday again
and Saturday and tomorrow's Sunday and almost Monday
and Sunday night and tomorrow's Monday
and it's 5:15 and almost time to leave
and we haven't done anything Together We
yet
I don't need to feel You all through me
But I want to
I don't need to change the world
but I want to
I don't need to work it all out and be neat and move with elegance and power
but I want to
But I want to
Wouldn't it be lovely
to have waaay more than enough
to step away from survival to hand away crazy
wads of money
words of life
life
if
I had it, would I
do it
I believe I would
I believe I would intentionally
and coincidentally
(if coincidences exist, because there are no coincidences in the You)
So,
A Structure to really make a difference in my circles
and in me
to heavenly give opportunity and opulence and openness
to those who never had a first chance to know who they could have been
if
(and here we don't insert all the hard knocks and evils because who wants to cry harder)
and A Margin to take time to really make a difference in my day
and in those
who heavenly are the one before me in this low place
where I find myself
where I would keep myself
even if the lottery were to try to float me away
wash me away with green water
I would not be awash
from here
So, why
or why not rather
because it would be wasted on me
because I'm alone but tied to others
who would not be able to handle more and less and depth and height
then
how does one do this thing called God
because we all walk alone with You
and we all are naked before You
and I
can't herd cats or lead christians
for politicized people all want their vote and their way and everyone does what seems right to himself
again
even those who claim Lordship claim lordship
in blindness and delusion and this-far-but-no-further
is far enough
Not far enough for me.
Not deep enough for me.
Not near enough for me.
Not sensical enough for me.
I want it all to make sense
not be sense, mind You
just to come together before it's all over here
and to know that I've played my role
as written
not to fail
although I know I have failed
not to fuck it all up
although I know I have done that pretty well too
to overcome all that deficit and to leave something of a profit behind
to speak a profit
to walk something forward
to become what I was to be so
I don't lurch into bliss with blinking eyes
and disappointment in You
for leaving me undone
and me leaving this place unfinished
Which puts me back into the rowboat
here with oars up, looking back on the Finished Work of the Cross
and The Empty Tomb
It Is Finished, and I am dead to all that
and alive to all that
too
but
still out here on the water
and I've rowed hard but did it even move me
or even in the right direction
there are no roadmaps here on the water
was I supposed to just rest and drift and enjoy the day
or was I supposed to hand over one oar and row Together
We are in the boat, I know, Together
with hints of wind
to direct me
So I set my face to the sun
and I listen for breezes
Will I end like I began
Will I ever
end
or land
or will I
will I need to stay in the boat until
until I
until the boat and lake and wind and I
I want to leave all this brokenness behind
Not broken, I know
this boat isn't sinking
feels broken
looks worse now than it did
creaky
but not leaky
afloat and capable of floating here forever
which is the problem
a motor would be nice?
a galley?
Nah, this is the brokenness
Me picturing my yacht, pulling up to rowboats and handing down motors
My dream.
Your dream?
Me, in a rowboat with You.
Here.
Now.
No motor, no need for anyone to hand a motor down to me
or me to hand anything down to anyone
or anyone
just
Together
We
adrift
and
moving
to
eternity
one breath of breath
at
a
with all the
in the
with no provisions or ambitions or destinations or purposes
just
simply
only
Us
in an open boat
in the open
open
and open
for whatever
nothing
more
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