That's Not a Prayer

I don't get people who derive their identity from their devotion to a sports team. The sports team doesn't love them in return, does it? More specifically, I don't get people who root for their team via social media status updates.

Piggers, time to start playing like you mean it! 1:10 left in the 3rd. Piggers, you got this!

Are the Piggers taking time away from the intensity of their focus on the athletic competition to check their devices for fan encouragement? This odd post isn't for the Piggers, and it's not for the benefit of the poster - if SuperFan really needed to get the excitement out of his system, he'd simply yell it at the game. Instead, he's laboriously created a post for the unnamed third parties who might be reading.

What he's really communicating:

1. I'm immersed in the Piggers' game, and you're not.

2. I'm a really, really huge Piggers fan. Piggers define me.

3. This Piggers game is really a good one - did I mention that I'm enjoying the game right now? Awesome game, by the way. One I'm really, really enjoying. 

Hey, the guy likes the Piggers, that's his thing. Just seems off when you read it, because he's talking to the Piggers (who don't follow him on social media), and because the post's not about the Piggers, really, it's about his one-way relationship with the team through a megaphone of self-aggrandizement. 

In the same convoluted spirit of indirect communication, I don't get you people who pray in the third person like this:  

God, I really appreciate Joe, sitting right here beside me, how he took out the trash bags when no one else was willing to take out those trash bags. He's such a good friend to me, I really appreciate him. Help everyone else to step it up when they see things that need to be done, like weeding that nasty West flower bed, or giving to the Saint Piggers relief fund, which, as you know God, is still 400 dollars under budget…

Everyone gets the message. Except God, because you're not really talking to Him at all. The poor Filipinos get the message too, because now they have to survive another natural disaster because God was embarassed for you, and rolled His eyes so hard it caused another tsunami in Asia.

Prayer should be direct communication between you and God - whether it's just you and Him talking, or it's you talking to Him in a room full of people. Prayer is conversation with God, not the others in the room. Prayer's not a chance to get your secret message across to the others congregated in the room with convoluted third-person messaging.

There's a few other pray-isms that peeve me. Might as well mention them here and clear the air.

God, if You're there, … 

The Bible already tells us that 

...without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. 

Hebrews 11:6

So, don't even expect an answer if you start your prayer with an insult like "if You're there." God's everywhere; that's a Pretty Big If.

God, be with…

Be with us? Be with Aunt Eugene, who's going through such hard times? We just discussed how God is omnipresent and wherever Aunt Eugene is, He is already there. God, Be Anywhere is dumb. He's already there, He's already with you, them, whoever. 

Why not pray for Aunt Eugene that she can be made aware of God's presence? Better. Why not refer to her as Aunt Gina when you pray it? Better still, because no one of any gender should be named Eugene.

Bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies...

If the food's not nourishing, is praying really going to make it so? This is the prayer you pray only if you're at the South Pole, have nothing to eat but styrofoam insulation, and need God to create nutrition where none exists in order to survive. 

If you're sitting down to a turkey dinner, it's Grace-time-better-spent to ask God to protect your intestines from bursting.

Besides, we're not relig-ites who use God to bless inanimate objects. God isn't interested in blessing things. Foodstuffs are things. The Bible shows that God's interested in blessing people, not silver candlesticks, chalices, and not smashed potatoes and gravy.

Why not ask that God bless our bodies to make good use of the food before us? Better. Why not just thank God for the food, like Jesus demonstrated. Better still.

We're so thankful for Aunt Eugene who's with us…

This is rooting for the Piggers again. "God, we're down 2 days with 1 day left in Aunt Eugene's visit. Pigger family, you got this!" 

Why not simply tell Aunt Eugene, before everyone bows their heads and closes their eyes, that you're thankful for her visit? 

Bless you Aunt Gina. God's with you and we're glad you're with us too. And we're glad you're not an obnoxious Piggers fan.

That's not a prayer, it's direct communication. Better.