Driving to Burbank today. Listening to Louise Lopez, talking about seeing in the spiritual, mostly telling us how easily she's been able to see angels since young childhood. Lots of fun stories, lots of nuanced information there. Everyone has these senses to see, and it's so simple! Angels everywhere, if you only look.
Here I note that I took to heart the fact that, just as I have all five physical senses, I have all 5 spiritual senses too (and, here I note that I think that there are six senses - sight, smell, taste, hearing, and a distinction between touch and feeling). So, I don't ask for spiritual eyes, I have them. I don't ask for those eyes to be opened, they are/have been opened. I will ask for focus. I'm going to see angels.
So I roll up early to the jobsite and have some time before everything starts for the day. Angels are everywhere, right? I want to see today.
I get an inkling. One of our connector guys, who climbs around on the high steel fearlessly, is going to slip today. No problem, he has a protective angel - no, two protective angels - that will bear him up. I don't see it. I asked for the focus to see the angels with Freddy today. I know it. It's a prophetic word. It comes attached to the passage in Ps 91:
A thousand may fall at your side
And ten thousand at your right hand,
But it shall not approach you.
For you have made the Lord, my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place.
No evil will befall you,
Nor will any plague come near your tent.
For He will give His angels charge concerning you,
To guard you in all your ways.
They will bear you up in their hands…
I had some of the cards with me that I bought to use the way GC uses them - get a word, write it out, and hand it out when you encounter the person for whom the word applies. I've been working on all of this, seeking to operate in the prophetic.
I knew this was for Freddy, so I dated the card, wrote out the passage and a message about what happened that day, and sealed the card in an envelope. I'll stuff it into my job folder and give it to him when it comes true. See, this was written this morning before anything scary happened - God had you all along.
Then, I'm challenged. Give it to him beforehand.
So I do. Before the day's opening safety meeting, I give him the card.
What's this?
Ah, just open it later.
When?
I dunno, the end of the day.
I don't take the safe road. I'm anxious about it, and you may not think this is much, but for me, giving him the card before I see any fruition is a big step out in faith. I'm either going to bring extra glory to God, or look extra stupid.
Are you with me so far? 1) I'm sure enough that I had a word to write it out and give it to someone; 2) I've just been told for an hour and a half that seeing in the spiritual is mine for the asking, and I asked.
I was busy all day, running around the site and getting other stuff done, so late in the day, I made time to get over to where the connecting was happening. If you're not there to see it, you won't get to see it.
The day's winding down, I'm nearly needing to get on with other work. Still nothing. I'm tearing up. I don't *need* vindication, but I want it. I want to know that I can hear the voice of God. I want to believe that Faithful Physical Actions Release Spiritual Realities.
I'm watching the work, and thinking that this is ironic, the Safety officer looking for someone to slip while working.
Annnnd, long story short(er). I'm at the end of the day, and the thing doesn't pan out. Freddy isn't miraculously delivered from a fall, and I don't see anything in the spiritual - and no angels.
I'm driving home. I'm not just feeling disappointed, I *am* disappointed. I feel let down by God. I'm broken down in spirit. I stepped out in faith, and … nothing. Embarrassed and abandoned.
A denouement aside: driving home on the 5, there's a couple accidents and the freeway's jammed up. I jumped off the highway, and took Sunland over to the 210. And I'm still hopeful. Am I going to see something going through this new and different way? So, my eyes are open. I'm looking for God in everything. Is this it God? Is there someone or something for me to see or encounter or am I to be used?
Annnd, nothing. Again. Kind of the insult to injury.
I just drive the 210 and get back to the 5 and head home over the grapevine just like every other day. Except that today, I feel like I'm driving completely alone in the truck. People talk about being close to God and how great that feels, and everyone wants to hear those stories. What does it mean when you really, really want to encounter God, and you're wanting Him in everything, to see what He sees, to pass His words on to others, and, no?
Hard to say, hard to take, but my faith took a hit today. I'm full of negatives, like I'm not going to mess around with any prophetic words for others until something changes. This feeling my way in the dark is fruitless. I was just telling the High Schoolers on Wednesday night how my spiritual birthday was on the 9th - that on a Wednesday night like that one, 36 years ago, I accepted Christ as Lord and was able to jump into a discipleship group right away, and grow. You can hear the voice of God for yourselves because the Holy Spirit is in you.
Today, I'm grinding the thought that here I am, three decades later and I don't know the voice of God. I can't operate in even simple spiritual sight.
I'm menandering here, because I'm so conflicted. But this is the crux: 1) I really thought that I had a specific word from God, and I didn't; 2) I really trusted that I had access to something, and doubled down by asking for it, and wasn't given it.
Did I expect too much? Tried too hard? Is that possible? Did I expect beyond my abilities? I do doubt, not that God cannot speak, but I doubt that I can hear. And I doubt that I can see. And, I doubt that I can ask, and receive.
So, unless something changes, I'm not listening to people like GC talk about what they do in the prophetic, or people like Louise Lopez talk about what they see in the spiritual, until they can get the rubber down onto the road and flipping talk about HOW. It's so simple! You just listen! You just look! Yeah, right. Stop with the generalities and teach it. I have seen demons, I've encountered angels, but I can't control it, so what good is that? I'm going to stop trying to exercise my spiritual senses, because trying is stupid. It's either easy like they say, or it's out of my control and not a reliable weapon in my arsenal.
And, unless something changes, I'm not talking about the voice of God, because of this. I am not convinced that I know the difference between my own internal mental voice and God's. Listening harder in an echo chamber of wintry silence is crap, too.
Yeah! God is manifesting - He's entering into your world!
Shhh. God is hidden - you have to press in and enter His world.
That's great. Can you imagine if I was that kind of father to Kon?
Monday: Hi Kon, how was your day? Let's go do something together!
Tuesday: Where's dad? He's hiding from me, I can't find him anywhere.
Tell me what I'm missing because this is not how to build a stable relationship in the natural.
You can't teach what you don't know. Unless something changes, I'm going to do some shutting up now, too. I've been pretty vocal about all the Godstuff in my life, and I'm sure it's been borderline annoying to people around me. Well, I don't have anything positive to say right now, so I'll quiet down.
I do want to be wrong about all this. I do wish there was someone who knew about this stuff that could shoot straight about it and educate me. I'm really sick of exploring the black box room, so I'll just sit down and stop trying to find a way out of it and just remain until led out.
And yes, I sound like a child who was promised a toy and didn't get to play with it. I feel just like that. I feel just as temperamental, angry, let down and weepy as a heartsick child. But I'm not just being a baby. I'll be fair to myself.
I'm also feeling ripped off like a teen who was given the keys to a car and told that they could drive it, and who promised a ride to a friend, and then went out and the car wouldn't start.
I'm feeling as put out as an adult who was promised an operational budget in the business, and when I got to the checkout lane to get some supplies to work with, the company credit card was denied. Embarrassment and abandonment.
…in everything give thanks, for this is God's will for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
I'm going to stay in Your will and thank you for this failure. Because I trust that this will show a shortcoming that I need fixed, so I can improve. I'm frustrated in this, but I thank You that even in this something good can come of it.
I'll rationalize like that adult, cut off and resourceless in the business. God is good, He has given gifts to his children. Everything that was in Christ is in me. So, if JC could hear the voice of God, and see angels, I'm supposed to have access to that. I should have access to that. I should be able to lay claim to that, and operate in that. So what's the problem? Is my card demagnetized?
Is it in me? I'm the limiter? What is it in my identity, or mental framework, or lack of experience that is so blunted that I'm missing the basics of sight and hearing?
If that's it, I want to know, and the knowledge is going to have to come from without - because right now, I feel so cut off and abandoned that I don't even want to move forward in any of this.
__
PS. A week later, I caught a number of points of clarity, and became someaware.
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