Punisher No More.

As a kid, I collected some of the darker comics - I had some Spider-man and some of the frivolous ones like Richie Rich and Archie, but I got older and was drawn to the darker anti-heroes before the anti-hero became mainstream; stone-cold angels of death and judgement. My collection was filled with Conan the Barbarian, Wolverine, the Punisher. All with some commonalities: misfit he-man-woman-haters who wanted to be left to themselves to do what they were driven to do; wander, making their lone-wolf way in the world, eluding a dark past, with no connection to others, keeping secretive and solitary, and, when cornered, showing their dark sides as the goodbad guys messing up the worsebad guys. 

Conan always fell into larger schemes as the machinations of the evil ambitious sought to make use of him, and always had to end up killing some slaver or witch, taking down some repressive city-state warlord, rescuing some woman who would inevitably leave him behind, or be left behind as he continued his wandering at the story's end. He never really wanted to help out, philanthropy was ever thrust at him on a spear tip.

Wolverine - and don't get me wrong here, not the sanitized Hugh Jackman Wolverine, I'm talking about the streetclothes-Logan-in-Madripoor ogre who was physically repugnant, full of disillusionment and hatred - was always siding with and fighting for the right but only after the wrong pushed into his isolation; never knowing who he was or who he should be or should become, and never able to meld into a wider community, or to find peace with any woman or friend. I remember being bothered that Logan smoked. But I wasn't bothered that he was full of disillusionment and despair. His doom felt like home. 

And the Punisher. He became my favorite. Frank Castle, his family taken from him, a burning hatred for all things hateful. Always looking for trouble to trouble. Daredevil, his foil, ever the attorney, thought that if Punisher knew what America stood for, he'd respect due process. But the appeal with the Punisher was that in the heart of the law-abiding and law-loving, there is the desire to short-circuit the system because it fails to deliver justice; to be the one to dispense justice. There are bad people out there, and someone has to be the antidote for evil. Someone to fight darkness with darkness; judge, jury, executioner. A never-ending crusade of killing the killers sounded like righteousness to me.

These were my superheroes. All with retribution as their primary superpower. None of these characters appeal to me anymore. I'm plenty tired of harboring a darkness in my heart. I'm not a minister of vengeance. I'm a minister of reconciliation. Love doesn't seek isolation, or step aside as evil makes its way in the world. Love overcomes evil, but with good.
There's still a natural man inside of me, wired with an innate desire to find a fight for justice - and I do. I do fight for justice - against principalities now, not targeting flesh and blood enemies. No man is my enemy. No man is safe from an undeserved blessing. Mercy has triumphed over judgement.
I will act as Punisher, but not on flesh and blood - instead, I look to punish the principalities and powers. Claws pulling the puppet strings in the spiritual shadows behind the physical stage. 

I've been hearing from various prophetic sources that I'm a Wolverine. Better to be him than the Punisher, in all events. Besides wearing the chops, I don't fully get the connection though. Maybe, like Logan after a mind-wipe, we both walk not really understanding our identities; like him, my past, and my possibility and promise and potential have all been taken from me, unremembered, unrecognizable and unrecoverable. I don't know what else might be my connection to him. The one who will do the dirty job? The one who will go in and slay the ugliest with his own ugliness? The one who is unkillable but wants to die inside? The one walking joylessly wondering if there is a place of peace somewhere, but won't ever find it because wherever you go, there you are, and his discontent disrupts any peaceable place he enters?
I hope not. These things were true until very recently, but my hope is, not true for long. Not true in the tomorrow.

What do I know? Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, saith the Lord. Choosing who deserves destruction isn't my portion. I can destroy, but how does that make me Godly? God is the one who destroys evil ... but with good. Only God would bless people from darkness into light, God is the One Who would curse not. Killing and destroying is the work of the dark side. Destroying someone who is a destroyer - sounds like a good deed could be done in that, but only to the natural mind - far better to turn a destroyer into a builder, and add another to the blessing of the kingdom of light and right.
Do I make my point? When it's kill or be killed, be killed. "You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also." Jesus said it. If this sounds like weakness to you, then you have no understanding of the power of reconciliation.

I know that chivalry isn't dead. Strength is to be spent into creation rather than destruction. This sounds like a repetition of the point above, but with an extension beyond the realm of mercy into self-sacrifice. The modern-day knight not only seeks to overcome evil with good, but surrenders his rights to his own itinerary, his self-sufficiency; and, instead, sacrifices self and strength for the needful and weak. He cannot go his own way, and pick his fights only when his own way is obstructed. Confronted by injustice, he must go out of his own way to step between the oppressed and their oppressor. Who will fling himself into a sea of blows to absorb some, as a sorrow-sponge in hope of bringing calm to the waters? 

I know that the day of the loner is done. I am a married man. I am a father, with children of my own, and I am a father with adoptive spiritual charges for whom I care. My place in the world is found in community and inter-relationships. Any wistfulness for a lone-wolf life of wandering and answering to no one has been loved out of me by a caring God and a committed community. Pretending that you're too hard for fellowship is a veneer hiding a deficiency.

I know that I don't wander the world seeking to find myself, or exorcise some demons within. There is nothing to discover on the solitary road, there is no healing to be found in some self-imposed silence. The darkness within was driven out when the Light of the World took up residence inside, and now I am the light of the world. I remind myself: Stop looking for darknesses inside, or anticipating them. Move forward. Squint with the light of the truth in your eyes.

I know that all things are made new. I know enough to stop trading blows with darkness, or seeking to - there is no real fight between light and darkness. I know to share the sufferings of Christ, and like Him, intercede even if it costs all. I know to look around myself, and find my worth via investment into those with whom I am connected. I know that I was made whole for a purpose; I know to look outside my own skin and bring the reconciliation I carry. 
I know that I am a Punisher no more. There is no condemnation now for those who are in Christ Jesus; there can be no condemnation now from me, now that I am in Christ Jesus.

Front Squat RoM - 2016091721

I've had some days between these logged workouts. Some were just air squats and lunges for 6ish rounds, like on the road. I did a day of ring rows and oly squats couplet'ed, but really. I wonder why I'm logging today, except to say this: I'm not on schedule. I'm not on a goal quest. I'm just doing lifestyle work, just who I am. Getting up early for morning watch and being too burnt in the PM to do a program, that's who I am right now.

Buy in
3 rounds, no timer

Band Rotator Cuff internal/external rotations - Grey band, which is too mucho
Hip Thruster x16+ out/in
2 rounds, no timer

Adductors x12ish, doubled grey band

Finish off the 4 Hip Thrusters
12 mins.

- 1 min -

Main

5/4 rounds, HT timer
Front Squat - AtG @ 135# x6's mostly
RDL, 163# x10-x8

12 mins.

If You Can't Circuit - 20160917

5/4/3 rounds, HT timer
Ring Row x10-8
KB Swings
DB Thrusters
Ab Wheel Rollouts x10
15 mins.

Tried to rack the DBs, and my right shoulder fell apart like wet cardboard. Could clean it into place, but not hold it in place.
I'll be doing some rotator cuff work for the foreseeable. Praise the Holy Name of the Lord, I'm not feeling this shoulder the way I was last Saturday. It's weak, but it's not screaming bloody murder: The rocketship upside.

- 1 min -

Tabata Bag Work, Lefts only
Stop kicks and everything from southpaw stance. No right hands today, yah.
6 mins.

Air BSS - 20160907

4 rounds, HT timer
Step back lunges, alternating rounds
RDL x9/10 @ 163#
15 mins.

- 1 min -

3 rounds, HT timer
BSS, BW only, alternating rounds x7/8/9
6 mins.

Did these inside the rack, with hands on the pin n' pipe, just for balance. Yes, I will add weight.

- 1 min -

4/3 rounds, HT timer
Hip Thruster, double blue bands x15 - in /out
Adductors, single grey band x12
7 mins.

This turned into an assfest. Rocking the lunges and split squats back so they didn't feel like they were putting pressure on my knees made for a lot of glute work today.

32 mins total.

OH Press HT - 20160905

Buy in
4 rounds, HT timer
GtO x7ishes @113#
5 mins.

- 1 min -

5 rounds, HT timer
OH press for 5RM: 113#x5/133#x5/143#x5/145#x1/133#x5
Chins x5/4s
12 mins.

143# for 5. No comment.

3 rounds, HT timer
Meadows rows, alternating rounds x10/9 @66#
Ring dips x7ish
10 mins.

30 mins total.

Oly Squat Form 5x5 - 20160904

Buy in Assistance, no timer
Hip Thruster x15 @ 2 blue bands
RDL x10 @163#
12 mins.

- 1 min -

Oly Squat, SB timer
5x5 @ 205
15 mins.

AtG, slow and pause in the hole, just making certain we're all the way in it, then exploding out. It's not the weight, it's the depth.

30 mins total.

What Shall We Do?

The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the Lord. - Proverbs 16:33

I'm learning to walk with God in fresh ways. The Holy Spirit and I play games as He's teaching me. The best learning is fun; it's discovery, it's exploratory, and it's repetition with variation. Usually, it's learning by doing, instead of trying to learn by reading or hearing, and it's personal. Rather than learning about what someone else did, I am challenged to do something unique in partnership with God in our own unique way.

If I don't wake up with some pressing directive, I ask, "What Shall We Do?" of the Holy Spirit. Many times, He answers with something specific; write a letter to this person, read this chapter from the Bible, walk around this building and pray. Kingdom-building games of discovery by doing.

Some days, "What Shall We Do?" returns no distinct answer. On these days, if there's nothing pressing to accomplish from my end, we roll the dice, and pull randomly from a list of 25 activities.

I prompt Siri on the iPhone: "Random number from 1 to 25."
She will abruptly answer, "It's Seven," or another number. Before I used the iPhone, I would visit a random-number generating website, like this one. 

I take this number to be directly from my Holy Friend. If that sounds questionable to you, be assured that this is what the apostles did when they flipped a coin to choose between Matthias and Justus to replace Judas among the 12 at the end of Acts 1. They used their minds to narrow down the good choices (they had two to choose from, we have 25), then basically said, "God, you pick from what we think is best." 

Prior to a 25-item list, I had a list of 10, which grew to 15, then 20. I add new items to explore as they bubble up into my experience. Maybe this time next year I'll have a list of 50 activities.

It's fresh every time. Say the random number was 7, like above. Then I'll spend some time working in partnership with the Lord by praying with an eye to binding up some bad stuff and releasing God's good stuff, ala Matthew 18:18 (see below, number seven is Bind/Release, in the prayer-stuff section).

Here's my list.

1. Waste Time with God
2. Take Dictation > Listen
3. Meditate on a (Biblical) Truth

4. Craft a prayer
5. Pray a Bible passage
6. Intercede
7. Bind/Release
8. Prayer Walk

9. Write a Song
10. Sing Worship
11. Soak Worship

12. Listen to a Sermon
13. Craft a Sermon
14. Journal > Testimony

15. Bible Exploration
16. Bible Listening
17. Read your Current Study Book
18. Memorizations - Recitations
19. Promises > Inheritance Verses

20. Craft a Word of Prophecy
21. Craft a Blessing > a Letter of Encouragement
22. Craft a Declaration
23. Create/Make Art

24. Go on a Treasure Hunt
25. Give Something Away to Someone

Some of these may not make sense to you. Much of my original short list was composed of meditative and solitary activities, but I'm seeing a movement into adding items to the list that are more active and less "traditional personal quiet time." God is taking me into a place where our time together is used to meet others at their point of need.

This night, I had a little time to ask What Shall We Do?, and I rolled a 10. I got out the guitar and sang. "Be Thou My Vision," mostly, trying to play it through without weeping and having to stop to blow my nose. Good thing I can sing from the heart, because my voice and mucous membranes leave my presentation wanting.

Anyway, the question for you is: What is He doing that's new? What's on His list of things to do in partnership with you? To start, I challenge you with this one-item list:

1. Make a What Shall We Do? list of your own.
Addendum: a year and a half later, sure enough, we added items and are still adding items, and are now playing the game with a listing of 53.